There must be no majority decisions, but only responsible persons, and the word ‘council’ must be restored to its original meaning. Surely every man will have advisers by his side, but the decision will be made by one man.”
- Adolf Hitler

“I’m the decider, and I decide what is best. And what’s best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense.” –Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006 - George W Bush

First loyal readers will remember that I am slightly obsessed with a sexy girl named Meral that I really want to abuse and molest. Now, while I have naturally tried to talk her into the idea, it seems that distance and a staggering lack of the beautiful girl being interested in our chubby smurfy leader have conspired to make that an unlikely event.

So, naturally I am devastated and despondent. I meran, rejected? me? it seems so fantastical as to be unimaginable to really anyone, wouldn’t you think?

Secondly we have moved, not far from our old house really, but the effect has been that I have bee forced into even closer contact with my realtor and friend who is amazingly cute and sexy but involved and not really free for me to abuse and molest whenever I want. One can imagine how sexually frustrating and vicious it is for me to be denied anything.

Thirdly and lastly we have been busy and I really need to take my slave and love emma off for a weekend of play and sex to some nice cabin or maybe a place by the beach.

All of this has left me sadistically frustrated, which for me is a bad state indeed to be in.

Such a state is not easily relived by sex of even some play, it requires extended cruelty and sadism to sate these most natural and innocent of desires.

Here there comes a conflict that plauges some of us. How to really let go sadistically with your partner when you love them completely and are not utterly sure of your own level of self control?

Now, mind you, my shaky level of self control is far more stunning and wondrous then the iron control of a so called Gorean Master or some other such delusional character. Still, I am concerned.

What I really require is a vacation of some sort devoted to playing with my slave, perhaps at the beach. It is easy to let life get in the way at times of really spending the time doing whats important.

Now, naturally it would be vital and important to explore the pain, suffering, degradation and fear that make any relationship magical.

Images from Alebeard and Waterbondage

It is said by those with moronic little leather hats that one much bottom before one can top, and one must top before training to be a master, then they get the hat. There is a wisdom to the whole approach which I recognize but which still escapes me. Being a bottom is simply not in my core, like being a republican or a child molester (or is that redundant?), It is just not a part of who I am.

I wish it was, I crave and seek the masochist, the painslut, the pathetic trailer trash who hates herself ad seek to atone through severe sexual abuse, degradation and mind shattering pain. (I mean I only play with consenting adults who provide a picture ID and a clean bill of mental health of course.)

Yet I do understand that this craving is a mutual thing (Not really for the trashy girls)

Far too often however, those in little hats attempt to cover the whole of BDSM in a cloak of tradition, honor and nobility, where none exists. This is not to say that many folk in the scene do not possess these traits, they do, but then again so do hair dressers and Mormons, but that does not imbue to the scene as a whole the characteristics of those individuals. BDSM to me is at its best when its a bit untamed and raw, when it walks a tightrope anchored by the simple understanding of consenting adults exploring together.

Too often we try and fit in a mold, I have tried for years to fit into the mold of a “Master” only to find that the mold simply does not fit as a whole. Aspects of the Master mold fit, but not the whole of it. It becomes increasingly difficult to define myself and my sexuality and I am finding that it is for the best.

I also find that everytime I limit my sexuality, or try and restrict it, I tend to end up unhappy. I am a sicko by nature and I do not like being told no. Of course in the course of modern life one has to be aware oen will get told no quite a bit and learn to deal with it. Whats harder however is when I tell myself no. That I have a hard time with. My logical mind sees things quite differently then the part of myself that would like to act in a very core and chaotic fashion. I find however that the repression of sexuality does more damage then the expression of it. Part of BDSM is expressing ones sexuality in a controlled and reasonable way. like slapping the tits of a waitress only when no one else is in the resteraunt or forcing your girlfriend to Gag on your cock in a movie theater only at R rated movies and not the PG ones.

I am by nature a kind and considerate human being, and I consider the feminine gender my equal in all ways and a superior gender in most. I do not say this in the manner of a male sub or of Goddess worship, but simply of observation and fact.

Mostly the friends I truly feel at home with are women, though here there are some strong exceptions, and I generally disdain the culture of football, hunting, weapons and thin crappy American beer that many males, including friends of mine embrace.

All of this to me is fine and well and if it were the whole of me and my view of women I would indeed be content and happy.

But it is not the whole, it is not the core, not when I look not towards my friends and my peers but instead to the core of me, to the eyes that lurk very awake behind my own.

I do not seek an object, I do not seek a collection of parts like many men do. I seek the inner core of a woman, of a girl, I seek her fear and suffering, her humiliation and despair, her twisting perversion and shame, I seek her screams and her shattered hate.

I understand few seek to have these things ripped from them, but some do, some very much do. The Predator inside is very much awake and understands the rules of a game handed down from lifetimes uncounted.

Consent and understanding is not a morality issue, it is not one of kindness or honor, it is one of self preservation. You see, the other eyes, the ones that loves his sisters on this planet has to be healthy as well.

I do not care to inflict pain simply for pains sake, no, never. It seeks out the feminine, lashes and straps welting heavy tits or those small and pert. The welts all mostly land on tits and cut, ass and back. I do not care for punching and kicking play as some do, it is inelegant and blunt, Much do I want the suffering to be sharp and fiery. I care not for knives, they are a mind fuck and I do not care for those much, drawing blood beyond the smallest of drops is bad form and I avoid it when I can.

There are those in the scene, those who are friends who believe they know me, and they do, but they do not understand the eyes behind my eyes, they see only a piece and perhaps that is for the best.

But there are those who have eyes of their own, hiding behind. They orgasm in shame at the image of themselves ripped and violated, welted and abused, shamed and degraded for their very sex. Spread open and lashed while they buck and shriek, the very core seared and set aflame. There are those who crave it, and need it and hate the idea of it being play, of it being safe, of it being fun, none of this is fun, its not a game, its not a want, its a need, a deep searing, branded, shame and pain filled need. If you get this we should talk, you and I, for there are few of us, so very few. And yet so many, but of those, the many have never learned, yet, they are the abusive husbands, the rapists and the predators who seek broken battered victims and violate. I do not condemn them, I understand, it makes sense to me. The soul of them, the humanity, is broke, it is shattered, and all thats left is the eyes behind. But I am not shattered, so I seek balance, harmony and humanity, so I seek those who are awake to thier core, those who choose, those who understand it. They are my family, my kin, my love.

Sometimes I see it in those who have yet to see it in themselves, and I wait, and I watch.

Images by The Pain Files and Device Bondage

We are paradox and duality and when we are at the same time one. If we cease being one, cease being whole, we become so fractured as to be useless. Yet if we cease our duality, we become a fused piece of trash that can no longer truly live. We must master not only ourselves, but the art of being two contradictory beings at once.

A watched a girl the other day at the bank, there was this human being just like me who was depositing some money, would use bill pay online, would buy her groceries at the store, pay her ell phone bill and vote in the upcoming elections. And then there was he other side of us I thought. The clawing hands that would fight to shred her clothes and maul her tits, the plunging of a cock down her throat, the hair pulling face slapping violent raw sex that drives me. Maybe something similar drives her? I often sit and look at people whether I am in a resteraunt or coffee shop, or in the bank of post office andthink to myself. That women there, that perfectly sweet looking soccer mom, she almost certainly sucks her husbands cock, and I imagine how that would look, knowing she drinks down his cum, then of course I decide that he has to have spanked her, ya know, at least once, and likely sodomized her, and likely they have some kinky stuff at home, maybe they like watching dirty movis together or dressing up in costumes, and I let my imagination go.

Almost lost the most important person today

Struggling with my own stupidity and sloth.

Almost walked into the sands and salt today

Fighting with my ignorance

Almost Cut my hair today

Wishing I could be someone I am not

Almost broke down and cried today

Hearing what a fuckhead I am

Almost came undone today

Knowing truth mixed with lies but not knowing which was which.

Almost broke my word today.

Wishing I was free of myself and all my delusions

Almost lost my friend today

Hope I can put back the pieces

Almost lost my love today

And I am scared for tommorow

Almost lost my world

Recently again I have been asked about the Divine Church of Alebeard and how the inspiration of our Smurfy Leader may lead to a better life for all.

As many of you know, the Church of Alebeard is a mix of the farcical and the religious mixed with a very core belief. In this we are utterly serious in complete and total devotion, except when we’re not.

The basic concept of the Church is as follows.

The BDSM dynamic, including the need for Dominance and Submission is inherent within us as a spiritual and very powerful aspect. We do not claim it is a part of all people, though some of us suspect it likely maybe. What’s important is that is an aspect within us.

That by understanding and accepting this aspect and by conscious choice to practice, strengthen and evolve this aspect we are guiding and exploring our own spirituality and self energy.

That the balance of this inner aspect with our lives is a vital and legitimate form of spirituality.

We do not embrace nor reject any Gods or other religions as a whole, though their are aspets that are practiced, such as sexism, racism, homophoia and the denial of medical services to those in need that we do reject as a Church, though individual members may feel differently.

We believe that the drives, fantasies and impulses we feel and experience are not evil and that by accepting them and embracing them, we grow. We at the same time respect and honor the privacy, individuality and morality of others.